Prettier at Closing Time, A tale from the dark side
By David Bernard
[Opening Scene: Lights slowly rise on a smoke filled bar room. A bartender is wiping glasses behind the bar. At the bar sit two men, Bud and Jake obviously inebriated, there backs are turned toward the bar as they face the stage where an attractive country and western female singer sings the song “Old Fashioned Man”. After the song Bud and Jake’s dialogue begins. As they continue talking lighting slowly reveals the clientele of the bar, which consists predominately of a typical mostly male crowd with very few women.]
OLD FASHIONED MAN Music & Lyrics by Jo Lynn Robert © 1996 Jo Lynn Robert
INTRO.:
Honey, I need an OLD FASHIONED MAN
To take control, take hold of my hand
Honey, I need an OLD FASHIONED MAN
To build a marriage by the Master’s plan.
CHORUS:
Honey, I need an OLD FASHIONED MAN
To take control, take hold of my hand
Honey, I need an OLD FASHIONED MAN
To build a marriage by the Master’s plan.
Now I don’t need to be liberated
And I don’t need to be re-educated
New-fangled notions don’t appeal to me
Just need a good man so I can be free
Free to give my love from my heart
Free to live with him and never depart
Free to be honest and true
Cause not just any old man will do.
CHORUS: (Repeat)
I need a man who will be head of his house
I need a man who’ll be a faithful spouse
I need a man who can admit when he’s wrong
But when he’s right, he will stand and be strong.
I’ll make his home a castle that will stand
We’ll have a family, we’ll go hand in hand
Together we will weather life’s storm
Our flame of love will be kindled and warm.
CHORUS: (Repeat)
Honey, I need an OLD FASHIONED MAN
Honey, I need an OLD FASHIONED MAN
The song “Old Fashioned Man” ends
Singer “You were a great crowd tonight! I love you all. See you next time. Bye guys.”
She blows kisses to the crowd.
Bud “Dang, a woman like that is pretty enough to make a good boy wish he were bad.”
Jake “Or a bad boy wish he was good, Uh Bud? A woman like that wouldn’t give us the time of day.”
Bud “Yea, well all the girls get prettier at closing time, but that gal is pretty all the time.”
Jake “Well closing time is not too far off. It looks like pick en’s are slim as usual. Probably won’t find true love tonight, but getting laid is better than not getting laid. Ain’t that right Bud?”
Bud “Yea, the days of having sex only with someone you love have long since become history in this land. But anyone who has ever experienced true love knows it doesn’t get much better than that. The last song that little lady sang makes me miss having someone really special to love.”
Jake “That song was too much like Dr. Laura for my liking. Says real men wait for a ring and a date. She cramps my style sometimes when some silly little girl takes her serious. It gets harder and harder to pull that line, ‘If you love me you’ll prove it.’ So what is real love Bud?”
Bud “Well, it’s not just sex. You know it is not love when after your appetites are satisfied you are ready to split. They call having sex making love, but people have sex then spit on the person when they are done all too often anymore. Just discard them like a dirty old rag. Look at all the single moms out there. Real love hangs around to help a woman make it through the rough spots. And you know something Jake, when it is real love the rough spots don’t seem all that rough. And Jake if they do seem rough, real love sticks it out.”
Jake “Remember the song, Stairway to Heaven Bud? Lets see, how’s it go? ‘there are two paths you can go by But in the long run There’s still time to change the road you’re on’ Well maybe someday I would like to change. But this place will be closing soon , and I won’t be changing my road tonight. I’ll see you next time Bud.”
[Jake rises from his bar stool and makes his inebriated way to the far end of the bar where one of the few girls in the bar looks a little better to Jake now that he has drunk a few and it is almost closing time. Jake is seen talking to the girl. Soon the two of themget up and leave together. Scene I fades.][Scene II: Jake wakes up hung over but sober. He finds himself in a strange bed withthe girl from the bar laying across his arm scantly clad. He looks at her with sober eyes, a look of fear and disgust crosses his face. The girl is a real dog.[the actress could wear a doggie mask of an ugly pug or something to portray this.] Way uglier than he remembered.” Jake starts trying to slowly extract his arm so he can quickly leave before she wakes up. The effort fails and to his shock she awakes. ]LouElla “Why Jake, you rascal. If I didn’t know better, I’d have thought you were trying to sneak out of here. Come here to ole LouElla and give her a good morning hug and a kiss.”
LouElla holds her arms wide with a look of smug satisfaction and contentment from the previous night. Jake pulls farther away looking shifty and scrunching his nose from the odious odor wafting from LouElla’s armpits.
Jake addresses the audience with an aside.
Jake “Aahh, Can you smell that?”
Jake pinches his nose as he asks the audience then returns to his dialogue with LouElla.
Jake “LouElla, I’ve got a king sized headache. And I need to find a phone so I can call a man about work.”
Jake begs off. While LouElla’s countenance changes to a frown of disappointment.
LouElla “Well, dang Jake. You act like I’m not going to see you again. Last night was heavenly Love.”
Jake “Love, I never said nothing about love LouElla.”
Jake is squirming in his discomfort as he begins dressing.
LouElla “Why, Jake! You didn’t have to say anything. What you did last night showed me all I need to know.”
LouElla grins coyly.
Jake “Well what is the deal with my heart then LouElla. How come more often than not after the sex is done my heart always feels devoid of love.”
LouElla “Jake , that’s a cruel thing to say after last night. But I guess reality is often hard to face.”
LouElla has a look of concern and genuine disappointment.
[Jake now fully clothed leaves and the scene II fades…]
[Scene III: Jake stops by the bar to get a beer to help clear his head. He finds Bud there…]Jake “Bud! God, I woke up this morning and saw LouElla laying across my arm. I wanted to cut the thing off so I could get out of there without waking her, but I didn’t make it. She woke up and looked totally infatuated with me. She said the night was great. It might have been for her, but how could I with LouElla? Yuck!”
Bud laughing at Jake
Bud “All the girls are prettier at closing time Jake. Besides, if a beautiful woman slept with you she would be like a ring of gold in an old swine’s snout because of all the stunts you have pulled over the years.”
Jake looks a little angry with his friend.
Jake “That’s not funny Bud. Besides, I don’t recall ever going to bed with an ugly woman in my life. Just happened to wake up with a few.”
Bud “Yea, Jake. You have been making a habit of that lately.” Bud still laughs…
Jake “Well, Pete is working the graveyard shift. I think I’ll go by and visit Marsha tonight. We can reminisce about old times. She always makes me feel better.”
Bud “Fooling with those married women are going to get you killed Jake.”
Bud is no longer laughing.
Jake grins.
Jake “Ah, Pete and I have always been best of friends. Besides, what he don’t know won’t hurt him.”
Bud “Best of friends? I didn’t know best of friends did things like that to each other Jake.”
Jake “Well Bud, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.”
Bud “Well a real man doesn’t go around screwing his friend’s wife behind his back.”
Jake “You’re a fine one to be moralizing with me Bud. You’ve been listening to talk radio too dang long.”
Bud “Well you know it’s true Jake. The pleasures a woman can give a man make it hard for us to do what is right, but still we both know the difference.”
Jake “Yea Bud, maybe one day I’ll turn around before it is too late and become an old fashioned man like that good looking country singer sang about.”
Bud “Yea, the husband of one wife and the father of her children. It’s got to be true love that allows a man to do that till death do them part.”
Jake “Well, if it is the right woman and it is really love I guess it could be pretty nice.”
[Scene III fades…]
[Scene IV: Jake knocks on the door at Pete and Marsha’s house. A very beautifulwoman is seen making her way to the door to answer it. ]
Marsha “Jake! Come on in and get out of that cold.”
Jake “Thanks Marsha.”
Jake steps inside and is seen draping his coat over a chair at a small table.
Marsha “Its been a long time Jake.”
Marsha’s eyes slowly sweep over Jake with a warm smile on her face.
Jake “Do you and Pete still drink that Sangria?”
Marsha “Yea, would you like a glass?”
Jake “Could I?”
Marsha “Sure Jake. Have a seat, and I’ll get us a couple of glasses and the bottle.”
Marsha is seen retrieving two wine glasses and the bottle while Jake takes a seat at the table.
Marsha “Well what brings you by this way Jake? Are you trying to stir up trouble or just lonely?”
Marsha sits down and pours two glasses of wine.
Jake “Mostly lonely, Marsha. It’s been a long time since I’ve held a good woman.”
Marsha “Well I don’t know how good Pete would call me Jake, but then we do go back a long way.”
Jake “Ole Pete would have never met you Marsha if it were not for me.”
Marsha “Yea, well Pete and I are married now Jake. He is a good husband and a hard worker too. Something you would have had a problem being, right Jake?”
Jake “I must have been a fool Marsha. You are the closest thing to true love I’ve ever known. When I fall into a relationship now, after the initial fireworks my heart just seems to go dull too quick. Something just leaves me feeling empty.”
Marsha and Jake sip their wine as they continue their conversation.
Marsha “True love is rare anymore Jake. Our culture is too free with sex since the sixties. It robs us of our passion and our commitment. Easy come easy go.”
Jake “When is Pete going to be done with the graveyard shift?
Marsha “He has another two weeks. We kiss in the driveway as I go to work and he gets home.”
Jake “I could sure stand to hold you tonight Marsha.”
Marsha “Dang you Jake! You know I’ve always had a hard time telling you no.”
Marsha smiles as the two empty their glasses and drift off upstairs arm in arm.
Pete is seen entering the front door. He stops in shock when he sees the two empty wine glasses and recognizes Jake’s coat. Pete opens a desk drawer and removes a 357magnum. He checks the cylinder to make sure it is loaded and then slowly and quietly makes his way upstairs to the bedroom. Pete shoves the door open. Marsha sits up and pulls the sheet over her to cover herself from her husband. Jake rolls around with eyes wide when he sees the gun in Pete’s hand.
Jake “N… no… now Pete…”
Jake stutters
Pete “And you call yourself my best friend…”
Pete has obvious anger laced with hurt in his voice.
Pete “BURN IN HELL JAKE!”
A deafening silence follows the loud blast of the gun from Pete shooting Jake.
[Scene IV fades…]
[Scene V: Jake finds himself back in the bar which is no longer smoke filled. He stands across the bar from a different bartender wiping glasses. He doesn’t really speak, but there is a voice that is his voice that expresses his feelings as if he is speaking. The bartender responds in the same manner. His mouth doesn’t move, but Jake hears him loud and clear…]Jake “I’m supposed to be dead!”
Bartender “That’s right. You are dead.”
Jake “But I’m still in my flesh. I can still feel.”
Jake is holding his arms palms up out in front of him. He looks at them with fascination as he takes one hand and runs it along the other arm verifying his ability to feel.
Bartender “That’s right, you are and you can.”
Jake slowly looks around. Lights start illuminating the denizens of the bar… The overwhelming majority are beautiful, gorgeous women and very, very few men. Quite the opposite from what Jake remembered from most bars in the world of the living.Jake “And dang, look at all of these beautiful women.”
An evil, wicked looking grin spreads across the bartender’s face.
Bartender “Yea, and you can have the pick of the litter for the rest of eternity.”
Jake “Dang man, I never thought I’d make it to heaven.”
The bartender lets out a low wicked laugh with drool dribbling down the corner of his mouth.
Jake spies what appears to be a beautiful woman sitting alone at a table.
The lights illuminating the majority of the barroom denizens fade and one light focuses on a woman at a table alone. While another slightly dimmer light focuses on Jake.
Jake “I think I’ll try that one first”.
Jake heads over to the woman. He does not have a clear view of her face, but her profile is beautiful, long hair, well dressed. Jake approaches from her rear. When he gets to her table, he touches her shoulder. The woman grabs his hand as she turns around and looks into his face. Jake’s elated countenance changes to horror as a gut-ripping scream escapes from his mouth.
The woman’s face is covered with iniquitous rot and the lust for Jake is clearly greater than anything Jake has ever felt. The realization hits him that for the rest of eternity he can have all the sex he could ever want but it will be completely and totally devoid of any love whatsoever.
The country singer that sang “Old Fashioned Man” is illuminated on the stage and starts singing a haunting refrain that explains Jake’s predicament.
No love, no love, no love
No love, no love, no love
My heart cries out in pain
Cause never never again
Will there be a chance of love for me
I squandered my life in shame
And now that it is over
I’m the only one to blame.
No love, no love, no love
No love, no love, no love
My heart cries out in pain
Cause never never again
Will there be a chance of love for me
No love, no love, no love
The song continues, as Jakes horror is evident on his face as the faces of all of the seemingly beautiful women are revealed to be covered with iniquitous rot, horrible, ugly, disgusting iniquitous rot. They file by Jake one by one as the song continues. As they go by Jake they each in turn spit on him symbolizing the hate for all the men who loved them and left them in the world of the living where love is all too often confused for sex.
The song ends with hideous laughter as the scene fades and Jake is very obviously disturbingly distraught for evermore as his heaven turns to hell.
A lone light spots the bartender who gives a closing aside beginning with a wicked laugh directly to the audience.
Bartender “Ha, ha, he, he, he… Jake like so many men failed to recognize what real love is all about. He squandered his life in frivolous sexual pursuits that ultimately left him unsatisfied and less of a man. He thought he had time to change the road he was on, but Jake’s time ran out. Now for the rest of eternity he can still have what he had so much of on earth.” –pause- “If he wants it. But there is a difference in this place. While Jake roamed the earth there was hope that love, one of life’s major driving forces might find him, but in this place there is no love. Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he…Every time he looks into the face of any of the women down here Jake will know through the iniquitous rot that covers their faces that this place is utterly devoid of love… Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he, he… No love, just sex. For the rest of eternity that’s all you will get Jake.
The curtain closes on the wicked bartender as his hideous laughter continues to pierce the darkness...
The End